Intoxicate
by jelledward
Summary: After Bella's death Edward and his motley crew discover some interesting characters.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Our ever-stumbling Bella tripped over a ladybug, collapsed onto the forest floor and proceeded to moan and cry pathetic Bella tears into the ground.

"I can't wait to become an ultra-sexy vampire who has a never ending sex-drive!" she groaned into the soil that her ugly face was now plastered to. "I could have never ending sex with Edward! Oh, Edward! If only you knew how much I wanted your log of a penis inside my juicy, smelly vagina!"

She continued to speak into the dirt and caught a worm in her mouth. She screamed and stood up, pulling the oozing worm from her mouth and crying. Would she die? Oh my god! OH MY GOD!

She started to run away, hitting trees often and thinking of having sex parties with Alice, Jasper, and Edward. Perhaps Carlisle, Esme, and Emmett too, but never Rosalie: _stupid bitch_. Bella wished Caius would just rip Rosalie apart from the inside out. He'd reach up inside her vagina and rip past the reproductive organs and into her stomach, where he would then carve all her innards out, splaying her vampire venom all over him.

Speaking of Caius!

While Bella recovered from her latest impact with a tree trunk, Caius magically appeared before her, grinning like a maniac.

"Hello, Bella." He whispered.

Bella straightened herself and pushed up her non-existent breasts. She was aroused by his papery vampire flesh.

"Hey, Caius, you sexy beast; it's been a while." Bella replied, smiling seductively.

"I came to show you something" Caius said as he moved toward her, a smile slowly spreading across his leathery features. His clothes whispered in the slight breeze revealing underoos and- A MACHETTE?!

"Caiu-" Bella began, but before she could continue a mysterious woman burst through the trees wearing a dress that looked like it came from sometime in the 1600s.

The strange woman faltered for a moment before looking Bella straight in the face and yelling in a voice that sounded like a cross between Janis Joplin and a wombat: "YOU WHORE!"


	2. A Strange Reunion

Bella couldn't help but stare at the crazed woman before her. She quickly noted the abundance of curly hair that appeared as though it would consume her body and soul. Ironically the only thing about the woman that was particularly out of place was her eyes. They were black.

Bella wasn't sure what to do about the woman, so she did the only thing that made sense to her pathetic little mind. She grabbed the machete out of Caius' hands and stabbed her.

"HO SHA' MOTHERFUCKER!" Bella smirked triumphantly as she stepped away.

"Now why did you have to go and do that?" The woman groaned, clutching her now soiled gown to her. "Now I'm going to have to explain all the blood to Solomon and he'll be angry with me. Damn it all! I liked this dress…" She dropped her hands to her sides in exasperation and Bella noticed with astonishment that the wound had disappeared.

"What the fuck, dawg?!1?!" Bella yelped much like a dog. She turned to run and being her clumsy self tripped on an acorn. She felt the dirt collide with her face and groaned in annoyance.

Bella could have sworn she heard the woman mutter "dumbass" beside her, but when Bella raised her head to address her, she had vanished.

"What the fuck was that about?" Caius wondered aloud.

"Who cares" Bella replied, "stupid bitch."

A sharp whooshing erupted from the air and no more than a split second later the machete pierced the ground half an inch from Bella's ugly face. Caius eyed the machete in wonder.

"So that's where it went..." He mused.

"Ho shit!" Bella screeched, clutching her nonexistent bosom in shock. "Holy flying tatas!"

The woman's voice boomed from the treetops.

"Next its your face, it will be a remarkable improvement."

"Bitch!" Bella yelled into the night.

Within seconds a statuesque young man, with curly blond hair and glittering green eyes was beside Bella.

She wet her pants. Twice.

Hello" His voice was smooth, like a bought of post-taco bell diarrhea.

Bella couldn't help but stare at the beautiful creature before her. His face was perfect, even more so than Edward's. His eyes were full of fire, but it was masked and merely flickered just beneath the surface. He wore a pleasant smile on his lips, as though he were amused over something; although Bella's mind was too small to possibly comprehend what could be amusing the magnificent creature before her.

"He-h-hee-he-hello" she stuttered rather idiotically.

The strange man smiled and in a matter of second has his hand down her pants.

"What the fuck!?" She yelped, embarrassed.

"Shhhhh.." He whispered in a melodic voice, reminiscent of sitars, or perhaps recorders being played underwater.

Suddenly a horrible feeling tore through Bella, like fire it emerged from her loins and inched toward the top of her stomach.

"It'll only hurt a moment" He crooned in her ear, sounding almost pleased with himself.

"ugghn" She groaned.

She felt as though she was being stabbed through the vagina with a pitchfork. Then she saw her intestines spill out, just as everything faded to black.

Just as Bella took her last pained breath the strange woman appeared beside the man, kissing him with a smirk.

"A bit dramatic, don't you think?" She murmured, turning to survey the scene.

"I got the job done all the same.." he muttered disdainfully.

"I know" she giggled, kissing him again.

Then, almost as quickly as they had appeared they were gone, leaving Caius to examine the scene. He knew that the strange pair had saved him a lot of trouble, and for this he was thankful. However, he really didn't want to pick up the guts, or remove the body. Nevertheless he bent down to do just that and realized a moment too late that he wasn't alone. The Cullens.

"Shit" He muttered as her turned around to face Edward and his family.

To Caius' surprise Edward looked…thirsty.

"May I?" Edward growled.

"Er….help yourself.." Caius replied, grateful he might not have to clean anything up.

Within moments what was left of Bella had completely vanished.

Caius stared at Edward

"I thought you loved her?" He stammered.

"…Only for her body." Edward grinned, revealing a piece of liver between his teeth.

"Oh, er…okay" Caius muttered, turning to go.

"Why the hell were you here? Did you kill her?!" Edward looked at Caius skeptically.

"Ha..ha..no. She tripped and fell…on a machete"

"Oh," Edward smirked knowingly, "Right."

Just then Jacob burst through the trees, naked and grinning.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS UP HOME DOGS?!" He yelled boisterously, "Oh shit.."

He exclaimed before turning and throwing up all over Caius.

"Lawls!roflxxomgcopterxxcore" he laughed, looking at the now disgruntled and vomit covered elder.

"Oh look!" Jacob exclaimed, pointing to the trees.

It was the pair from before, standing at the edge of the forest and smirking of all things.


End file.
